Dear future daughter,

It was at that moment, reaching for the dull white sink, sweater stuck on door handle, curious eyes from the waiting room boring a hole into my back, red vomit splashing onto the sink, the floor, mixing with the urine running down my legs into my shoes, gas escaping me louder than a truck backfiring, glucose liquid mixing with my tears as I publicly heaved and farted and peed my maternity yoga pants... It was then that I knew I loved you more than I've ever loved anything in this world.

Of course, I knew I loved you before you became a part of my body. I had already decided you were a wish that was going to come true... forget logic, limits, pain. You were already more important than all of that.

I knew I would never be the same when I got the phone call...The happiest moment of my life was hearing the words, "you're pregnant!" It still makes me cry just thinking about it.

Seeing your heart flutter, your body the size of a blueberry? Breathtaking.

Seeing you stretch, yawn, and hiccup on that tiny black and white screen? I only ever exhale when the ultrasounds are over.

And when I thought I might lose you? I was desperate. 

And when I thought you were coming too early? I prayed you'd be alright.

But it wasn't until the disgustingly sweet liquid I ingested for my three hour glucose test was coming out of me in three directions, my head pounding and stomach lurching, shoes filling with a disgusting combination of waste and sugar water... It was then I realized I was holding on to you with both hands, talking to you, worried that you must not feel well either, and that made me want to find the man who invented this test and punch him, hard, in his jerk face. Possibly after he had to drink this crap himself.

And just like that, I knew then that you were the biggest thing in my life. That you would now be the first thing I think about every day, and the last thing I think about each night. You take up all the space in my womb, and have somehow also settled deeply into my heart.

And I don't even know your name!

I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

Love, 

Your Mom

P.S.- Don't say "jerk face" in school. And if you accidentally do? You tell the principal you learned it from your uncle, ok?

P.P.S.- maternity yoga pants are just a fancy name for sweatpants for women who can't touch their own feet. The closest I'm getting to yoga these days is bending while I try to shave my legs.